New Squirrel Guard

Okay, so most of you know that I work at the local Electric Company. Well, we have pieces of equipment called "Squirrel Guards" that prevent squirrel's from running through or into the fuses on our poles and lines. Otherwise, squirrels get stuck in the fuses and they get fried. It's very sad and gory. So, I'm a big proponent of the Squirrel Guards. This morning I was working away when I got an e-mail and the subject said, "New Squirrel Guard". So, I was all excited waiting to see what kind of new Squirrel Guards we got (thinking we'd prevent even MORE squirrels from being fried). So...I open the picture in the e-mail and this is what I saw:

Is that the cutest thing you've ever seen?

Telemarketers

I wish I had the brains and guts to do this to a telemarketer! You gotta listen, it's hilarious!

Okay, what's the craziest thing you've done or said to a telemarketer?

I think the worst thing I've done to one was to speak Spanish the entire time (which the guy should have known I was full of crap since I only knew a few lines - I only took Spanish for 1 semester in college). Don't ask me why I didn't choose French since I took 5 years of that. I think that's all I've done. Oh yeah, one time a telemarketer called while I was watching CSI: Miami and it was during the actual murder, so I played that into the phone and then said, "Oh crap, I think someone's on the phone". I'm sure they knew it was the TV, but it was still better than having to talk to the morons.

My nephew answers the phone and pretends he's mentally challenged (leave it to a 14 year old - I know that's mean and I never said it was right - matter of fact my mom and I told him not to do that, but it IS funny to hear them stammer on the phone).

So, go ahead, tell me the worst you've done.

GPS Panties?

Seriously? We can't find Osama Bin Laden, but we can figure out how to put GPS chips in panties to keep tabs on cheating girlfriends? Really, GPS Panties?

Come on!

Okay, ladies would you wear these? And, secondly, you'd have to be a real retard to wear these GPS panties to a secret rendezvous with the guy you're cheating with.

Then again, this could put a spin on the whole "breaking up with a cheating girlfriend" thing. I mean, you wanna get rid of your boyfriend? Take your panties and stuff them somewhere inconspicuous at his best friend's house. I guarantee he'll break up with you!

And, is it sexist or do they have GPS Boxers or Briefs for guys?

Watch out teenage girls, your dads are buying you all GPS Panties so they can keep tabs on your - it's a new-age chastity belt! Man, being the brat of a teenager I was, I would have taken those panties and put them in my teachers' mailbox, or my parents' best friend's house - something to teach them for keeping track of me through my frickin' underwear! Too much for me, just way too much.

Why can't I come up with some ridiculous product to make money off of? I'll learn one of these days.

Female Brain vs. Male Brain

I got this e-mail and thought it was pretty nifty.

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works? Well, here it's explained in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Everyone of those little blue balls (he he, I said "blue balls") is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that needs to be solved.

Good thing a man's brain only requires two ball (two "blue balls", that is).

Those little blue balls are supposed to be moving through the course, but they're not for some reason - sorry guys.

The Why's and How's of Men

Another e-mail I received from J's mom. She's been sending some doozies. I like this one. It's definitely funny ha ha.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)
4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)
(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)
6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)
( C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And my personal favorite:
8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)